Breaking News! Nordstrom just released their new line of muddy jeans, made from organic materials and curated with carefully crafted mud stains for the very reasonable price of only $425. People across the internet are outraged by this but they are obviously too poor to understand. Their opinions  don't matter.

nordstrom.com

nordstrom.com

     Nordstrom is also featuring bedazzled EBT cards on sale for only $299. These accessories com bine the grungy style of struggling to survive with fun and flirty diamonds, rubies, and rose gold! Adorn your wallet with this stunning conversation piece and let the gem encrusted card dazzle your friends. No, it can't actually provide government subsidized food benefits...ewww...but it does look great! Forget 'govern-men-t-hand-outs', you won't be able to govern-men's-hands-out of your way. They will find you simply irresistible. 

    Following Nordstrom's success, Rags-A-GoGo is releasing a our own line of Trash Treatments. After purchasing an item in our store, customers will be given the opportunity to roll around in literal piles of garbage. Some customers have commented that our items are too high quality and cheap for the current fashion trends, so we will let them destroy their clothes for the low price of $500 per 10 minute session. Each garbage treatment contains a plethora of recycled goods steamed in custom plastic black draw-string bags for at least 48 hours in the hot city sun. This treatment is perfect for any young upper-west side socialite looking for the aesthetic of being poor as shit without any of the back-breaking labor. Grab your wallets, ladies! Manufactured poverty is going to be the new trend for Spring 2017!

    Call to make an appointment. Treatments available every day of the week except Wednesday because thats Trash Day. We accept cash, card, and direct deposit money orders from your Daddy's Trust fund. 

Posted
AuthorJoshua-Suzanne Ethier
 
uber.com

uber.com

 

   Just yesterday, UBER, a revolutionary cab service known for shipping drunk people home from bars and clubs around the world, has just released their plans for the world's first commercial flying car. They promise to achieve this by 2020, less than three years from today.   

    Well, UBER came up with the idea, not the technology. They are reaching out to tech companies to do that for them. Incentive is high because whomever figures this out gets access to the 55 million active riders using the service in 600 cites world-wide. UBER has already partnered with major companies to achieve this. To name a few; Aurora Flight Sciences, Pipistrel, and Embraer. In breaking news, now the investors at Rags-A-GoGo WANT IN.

    So Travis Kalanick, CEO of UBER, this article is for you. Rags-A-Gogo is looking to invest in your company. No, we don't have money and we are probably going to be out of business within 2 years but we can offer discount vinyl records, t-shirts, and a ton of vintage Levi jeans to you and your team. Most importantly you will gain our affection, love, and humor. You can't really put a price tag on love. Travis, other companies are probably offering you billions of dollars, but our hearts are invaluable.

arjenwb.wordpress.com

arjenwb.wordpress.com

All we ask in return is that you paste our image on the side on every one of your flying cars and provide us with rent-controlled airspace so we can install flying stores in every major city in the US. We have a much needed service that the country needs. Quality vintage clothing is a RIGHT that every US citizen deserves access to. We feel it is our duty to make the planet a better place, one technicolor 80's windbreaker at a time.

   Think our proposal sounds unreasonable? Well you guys are the ones who promised to turn the world into the fucking Jetsons within two and a half years, so...we await baited breath for your response.

Sincerely,

Rags-A-Gogo

 

 

 

Posted
AuthorAutumn Mortali

Local New Yorkers gathered outside of the infamous Rags-A-GoGo to report carefully curated lies---oops, I mean "alternative facts". One local, shown below, informed our team of the long standing plan of Big Yogurt companies to overthrow freedom as we know it. 

 
Screen Shot 2017-04-23 at 6.11.02 PM.png
 

Other New Yorkers gathered outfront of the Rags with their own alternative facts.  

All customers were in agreement on the same Alternative Fact. The inside of the store is colorless and bleak, the owner of the shop is not talkative at all, and the items are grossly overpriced. They all also agreed that NYC has the worst bagels of any US city, Manhattan rent is too cheap, and The Beatles are overrated. 

 
 

Posted
AuthorAutumn Mortali
 

nationalreview.com

 

Last week at the White House's annual Easter Roll celebration, President Trump and first lady kicked off the Easter festivities. However, in a much more interesting feat, Mr President attempted to assemble his first full articulate sentence since he entered office January of this year. Crowds gathered in anticipation as he tried to collect his words in an order that made grammatical sense. Close, but no cigar.

His wife Melania spoke to his attempt. "I am very proud of my husband's achievements! Just like I am proud of our great country. But c'mon, I learned English in a few years. He needs to get his sh*t together" She later reported with enthusiasm that Mr President has been practicing with son, Barron, age 11, and is now able to read at a 5th grade level. 

"SPEAK ENGLISH OR GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY" screamed an angry neo-nazi and former trump supporter. "I voted for him because he is a fascist who obviously hates brown people but I can't take how stupid he is anymore"

While no full sentences were formulated, Mr. President was able to successfully include many target words and sound bites. The word he used most was probably "freedom" provided we exclude "ah" "umm" and "uh" the tally count of each which trumped all other words: a whopping 100 "umm"'s per minute. 

News-A-GoGo is watching the President carefully and as soon as he successfully forms a full sentence, our readers will be the first to know. 

 
 
Posted
AuthorAutumn Mortali